Toronto

Going down to Toronto for a weekend was amazing. Leaving right after school in a rented car, we arrived after dark. Along the way, we sang along to the radio, played Monopoly, texted, and talked. We stopped for Swiss Chalet as we got into Scarborough, then headed on into the downtown core, where the Sheraton was. Amazing hotel, complete with its own waterfall garden and herb garden. We had a pillow fight and then went to bed.

The next morning, I awoke and went for a walk in the waterfall garden, though I had intended to cross the street and go to the city hall square. When the others woke, we went to the Ontario University Fair, the main reason of our visit. Managing to not find breakfast, we waited it out until lunch time, when the four of us polished off a Canadian pizza. When the fair ended, we headed over to the Pacific Mall for some relaxation. Upon returning to our hotel, we spent two hours doing homework, then went up to our rooms. We talked for hours about life and its unpredictability and complexity. It felt like forever. We slept at 1:20.

The next morning, we awoke to loud music and a man shouting over a megaphone. City hall, right across the road from our room, was hosting a marathon. We went out to find breakfast, although crossing the marathon was quite a hassle. We split up, two of us shopping inside the Eaton Centre while the other two went back to the University Fair.

We met up at 2:00 and headed for home. All in all, an amazing time.

Night

It's been a long week that we've fought our way through, and I suppose it's time to relax. We went off for bubbletea after school and met new people. Later, we went to Milestone's, intending to stay for just an appetizer, but the restaurant's atmosphere lulled us in and we decided to stay for dinner. Our waitress was very polite and kind to us and the food was great - we all ordered one form of pasta. Seafood fettuccine was amazing, although I ALMOST finished it :[ The appetizer was quite good too, various breads with little sauces along the side, one either raspberry or cranberry and the other hawthorn, along with poppy-seed goat cheese and roasted garlic.

September and October have been quite hectic months, full of amazing days. We've been to party after birthday party, traveled far, and barely had chance to breathe. Yesterday was the breather we needed, a pause to let us regain ourselves before we continue on.

After dinner, we went up to the mall roof. We found a dark corner and talked. Two rabbits appeared nearby, grazing on the grass. What did life have in store for us? It's hard to think that in two years, we would have to leave everyone behind and move on by ourselves. What will happen between now and then? The night sky was cloudy. It rained for a little while, but we still sat, under our umbrellas, and talked. Life is about taking chances, but some chances we just cannot take. Can you just keep stumbling and falling? When will we ever learn? There is never an ending to the story, but we can continue to make things happen. Things don't have to end just because we stumbled and fell. Perhaps things will rule in our favour. We'll never know.

Postscript

Although you seemed fine, I do hope you are alright on the inside. It may have taken a while for it to set in. I'm truly sorry I've wasted your time. I do hope that you can move on, and that you can find someone who is truly worthy. We may have been similar people on the inside, but it is the outside that gives a more constant impression. For that, that was where we diverged. We were too different on the outside. Thus, this tale ends here... for now.

Wiped Clean

However this ends, I hope it ends well. I'd still very much like to be your friend, but if you wish for some distance, that's alright. I do still care for you very much. I'm just not sure if I love you anymore. Can I still go on like this? I don't know if the relationship will last. Well, I just hope that we don't dwell too much on what might have been, and instead, focus on the great times we've had. Goodbye.

Ponderings

Sigh. It's been a while since I posted here. What's there to say? Summer... you get all hyped up about it, but when it's finally here, you're stuck at home because everyone else is off in some cool exotic faraway country.

Really sad that my computer crashed recently. Well... it's been crashing for while, it just got worse the past few weeks. My dad wiped the main drive, but that didn't solve the problem, so he reset the entire computer. For some reason, my drive, which is separate from the main drive, also got wiped. I lost all my data. I don't really care for my music and videos, as that eliminated my bad habit of hoarding everything, but some things you can never get back. Chat logs. Sigh. Oh well. I managed to get most of them back. What's done is done. Currently rebuilding my library of music. I also lost some of my writing. Good thing I posted them on the Internet/already had them handwritten, but I can't seem to find two pieces that I really liked. I thought I printed them. Sigh.

Life's good? I think so.

Sometimes I feel that the emotion isn't strong enough. Alere flammam. Nourish the flame. Keep it burning. However, I sometimes wonder if it will last forever. Sometimes I get second thoughts, but another side of me feels that after such a long wait, I should stick with my final solution.

The End of the Beginning

Song: [Allister MacGillivary] | Song for Peace

We've been off to a very rocky start, being shaken so far, but I think we might be okay now. The worst of this wave is now behind us. Hopefully things can be better. I like being in your arms, watching the sun as it moves across the sky. Maybe we can do that again sometime. After crying, the two of us, I believe we can overcome the difficulties and move on. And like my friend said, if we ever meet any future obstacles, we can look back and see this obstacle that we've overcome, and we'll know that we can withstand anything.

Maybe I've been slowly walking away, but I still continued to look back. Maybe I was ready to leave; I had one foot out the door, but you managed to make me turn around and come back.

Like the names written interlaced in the gravel; Amelia, Marilyn, Emily, Shannon, 2010 BFF, we can be You + Me Forever. Not You <3 Me Forever. But I'll stand by you, and you'll stand by me, and everything will be alright.

I am happy.

Life

Song: Dido | White Flag

Life is meaningless without you. My best friend, the best friend I ever had. I don't want to stab you in the heart; I feel like the hunter from Snow White. But I feel I need to get the thorn out of my heart. Only then can I start to heal. But it seems either way, there will be pain. There will be a scar, even when things are over. You make me worry so much. Why did I wait half an hour for you, when I was tired and everyone had already left? Why?

Sun

A friend once said that you cannot see how bright a flame is if you stand near it, you can only see how bright it truly is once you stand in the darkness. He also said that you and I were like the burning sun.

Somehow, I think that he was standing too far away and seeing the remains of the already burnt out supernova.

Pride

Song: Hanako Oku | Garnet

Maybe my feelings for you were pushed to the side and eventually dried up. But perhaps I've been fighting to keep that one drop remaining. The question is whether I want to grab on to it, or to let it go.

It's so muddled now. I don't know what to feel.

Perhaps one reason I want to hold on is for my pride. My stupid, stupid pride. The fact that I wasted everything, spent hours being jealous at people who stood no chance, if I were to just let that all go, my pride would not forgive me.

Why can I tell so many people my feelings, but it is so hard to tell it to your face?

Sing

Song: Masayoshi Yamazaki | One More Time, One More Chance

I'm really impatient. I know I've been snappy with you, but you should know me by now. I'm not selfless.

I'm at crossroads, and I really don't know where to turn. I told myself that I would take whichever road that came first, but I can't seem to walk away from you. I should be facing the future, wondering what would become of me, but instead, I am constantly looking back, helping you stumble, even as you get further and further away because you do not seem to care about going forwards. What do I do?

I said to my friend that I had lost sight of my happy place long ago. The only true happiness I can remember is when we were innocent, little, and carefree. The years have flown by too fast now, or maybe it's because we've been caught up in our own whirlwind of mischief, danger, and teenageness. There are times of temporary happiness that make me smile, but once it's over, it all comes back. Like Western medicine only treats the symptoms, the temporary happiness can only last for so long. I need Eastern medicine.

She told me that when I find that happy place, to not look back.

Sigh. If I leave, will you sing one day? I don't want you to. Not this song. I can't be happy if you're not happy. But right now, I don't seem to be happy. I don't want you to regret anything. I want you to take this chance now. Realize what you have, and grab on before it flies away.

Good Grief

Although it feels like the endgame is near, I can't help but continue to have doubts. Sure, I love you. But I also feel that you will annoy the hell out of me. Some of your mannerisms and habits annoy me a lot, and I doubt you will or can change them.

But, we've come too far, and the only way to go is forward. We cannot back out now. It will either end well or not. If it doesn't we will lose each other forever. It happened to my friend, but that's a story for another time.

I don't know what to do. Gosh, I'm making a stupid big deal out of nothing. God, I hate everything.

The Wish for Solace

Even though you now say to me, 'I love you', I still can't help but feel that they are somewhat empty. You never take things seriously. I don't know what you really mean and what you joke about. I know I should just give up but I just can't force myself to quit. It's like gambling. I always think that the next minute will be the minute you turn around and answer me.

I'm sorry for being so bossy. It's gotten to the point that I hate myself. I cry myself to sleep. I woke up this morning, having only fully slept four hours, with dried tears all over my eyes.

I want to be happy.

Hope

Perhaps, after crying to get to you, to finally have gotten my feelings across, perhaps there is hope; there is light in this endless storm. Perhaps. Maybe I will successfully start the fire. Maybe this is a new beginning. One can only hope.

Pain

Even after agreeing to push my feelings aside, to take little steps at a time, for you to concentrate on taking better care of yourself and not "us", it's hard. Such great feelings are hard to push away. I know I said that things will fall into place if you can promise me to take care of yourself, and if my feelings happen to die away before you achieve that, then so be it. But... it hurts so much. No matter what I do, it hurts, and no matter what I do, I will never be yours.

Advice

I once gave advice to a friend saying that you should never force yourself to like or not like someone. But is it worth it? It isn't worth the tears. I wish for you to be happy. Find someone who you can truly love and cherish, and someone who will support you all the way. Because clearly, you don't love me. I just want to love and be loved without having to worry about the future. With you, that is not possible.

Interpretations

I am angry because I've waited for so long. But that makes me selfish because you never asked for such a choice. I've dumped this burden on you. I am mad that you treat me as if I'm yours, but I am not. However, this is only my interpretation. My interpretation makes me angry, and my interpretation is selfish. I should not be interpreting it this way. You deserve to be happy. I just feel that sometimes, you should not be rewarded, as you continue to harm yourself. But that is just me.

Spirals

I am weak. I fear everything. I cannot bear to see you wear down your body. It may not look like it that way on the outside, but a pessimist only fears the worst. No matter how we are in the future, I wish you to be happy and well. At the rate you're going, it doesn't seem like you will be. I fear the worst. I fear that in the future, you will bring about some of my worst fears. I am weak. I am not good enough to be with you. Find someone who will love you and who will support you through hard times, because I cannot.

I cry because I know that it hurts to not be able to support you. I then cry because I feel stupid. I cry more because I feel a coward for not trying to help you. I feel stupid because I am giving up on you. It tears my heart out because I am so attached to you, yet I do want to end it, to sever the powerful bonds, before I get hurt. I am selfish.

All this crying will hurt me too one day. I deserve that. But I need someone strong to support me. Not someone who will break me more.

Standstill at Crossroads

No matter how much I try, you can never change. I understand, that is human nature. I'm sorry for trying to change who you are. I understand that stubbornness is just what really defines you. I do want to help you though. You've been through a lot, and your actions are understandable. I want to see you smile.

My friend said that she feels as if she's picking through the ashes, while I'm trying to start a fire. If that's the case, I've burnt myself badly, to the point where the pain comes back to haunt me every single night.

All I want is to be in your arms, you telling me that it's all going to be OK. But, seeing you would cause the pain to grow deeper. You fill the gap in my heart and at the same time, rip open a deep gash.

But then again, it's my fault that you're so deeply embedded in me, that every time we shift, it hurts. Perhaps I should just end it all, because I am not yours, nor will I feel that I ever will be, because I, and I'm not the only one, think that I have been waiting for quite a while. However, it is not your fault. It is mine, for placing the burden of answering me on you. That's alright. I know we all wish we can wait forever, but that isn't the reality. Reality doesn't allow us to.

If I were to end it, I would have to pull you out of my heart, the pain engulfing me. I don't know if the pain will surpass what I feel now, but if I do decide to, I will greatly hope that the pain won't last even remotely as long. It may be greater, but for a shorter amount of time. At least it's not a dull aching pain forever.

There's no sense in crying over stupid things every night.

The Rules of Hearts

No matter how hard I try to hold the hearts together, they will not fit. Unless I break the rules of origami and bond them together with tape or glue, but that is unfair. They were created equal but just do not fit.

Perhaps...

I suppose I am allowed to say that Fate was cruel in letting us meet, and having me fall in love with you. For you, I stopped pinning my hair, even though it now gets in my face, because you didn't like girls who showed their foreheads. I wait for you at the end of each day because you are slow, but I am a hypocrite because as soon as I am slow, I ask you to wait, and then I overtake you and keep on going. I want to shield you from this world. I worry about you day and night, and at the end of each day, I stupidly cry because you do not take care of yourself. You say that you never want to see me cry, only tears of joy, but what I want the most is someone who would wipe my tears away, but at the same time, allow me to cry on their shoulder. Maybe I'm dreaming and that no such person exists. I am afraid of every little thing in this world and am a coward. I want to become stronger, but I am weak in many ways. That is why I was drawn in by your poison.

I feel incredibly stupid that I was drawn to you, knowing that you may never feel the same way. It hurts, and I know it is wrong, but I still am drawn, and that will one day bring me down.

Maybe I'm selfish for saying this, but perhaps maybe you owe it to me to not make me worry, to teach me how to relax. Because I can only relax when I'm with you. But then again, maybe I am selfish because I am interpreting it all this way. Maybe you do not interpret what I do as I do. But I know that I've taken your heartbreak and turned it into my own. For that I am glad.

I know that I do not know the rules, and I am selfish.
And for that I am sorry.

Art Exhibit :O

It was called Mind the Gap! The art exhibit I really liked!

Exploring the City I've Lived in All My Life

My friend and I walked around the roof of the mall downtown today,and it was HUGE! It also stretched over some of the smaller buildings, and it was great! We saw a bunny! How did it get up there, we wonder? And we think that there must be more than one bunny because there were lots of bunny.... presents left lying around. A few weeks ago a group of friends and us went up there for a snowball fight, and so we desperately hope that the bunny came up here AFTER that. The view from the roof is beautiful, you can see most of downtown. :)

After, we went to an expensive hotel and decided to look around the bottom floor. They have a cafe and a lounge, and we debated over tea but decided not to because the hotel can get very expensive. It's a beautiful hotel and used to be a castle. Our school is close to it, and I'm hoping to have prom there ^^

We're going to go to the art gallery soon, because she's never been there. I had a favourite exhibition called... aw I forget what it was called, but it was only a temporary exhibit :( It had lots of art pieces that resembled parts of the human body, and it had eerie music playing in it. I want to see it again... T_T

In any case, it's exam week, and I have GOT to relax because all I've done is stress this month. Not that I know how to relax.... sigh.

À Cause D'un Garçon...

My feelings for you sway back and forth like a see-saw, over the pivot foundation that I truly love you. Your bad traits move me to one side and your good traits move me to the other side. You are an amazing person but you are lazy and stubborn. But recently your bad traits have been overpowering and I'm teetering dangerously close to falling over the edge into oblivion, instead of into your arms...

...And I said... 'Let there be......uh... posts....'

Well, my first blog post. :P My goal is to write and LIMIT MY USE OF EMOTICONS! Well I guess I can use an occasional one... Hmm... what to say....

This should be... sort of like an introductory paragraph into my very long essay-blog. I suck at those anyways.... T_T