The Wish for Solace

Even though you now say to me, 'I love you', I still can't help but feel that they are somewhat empty. You never take things seriously. I don't know what you really mean and what you joke about. I know I should just give up but I just can't force myself to quit. It's like gambling. I always think that the next minute will be the minute you turn around and answer me.

I'm sorry for being so bossy. It's gotten to the point that I hate myself. I cry myself to sleep. I woke up this morning, having only fully slept four hours, with dried tears all over my eyes.

I want to be happy.

Hope

Perhaps, after crying to get to you, to finally have gotten my feelings across, perhaps there is hope; there is light in this endless storm. Perhaps. Maybe I will successfully start the fire. Maybe this is a new beginning. One can only hope.

Pain

Even after agreeing to push my feelings aside, to take little steps at a time, for you to concentrate on taking better care of yourself and not "us", it's hard. Such great feelings are hard to push away. I know I said that things will fall into place if you can promise me to take care of yourself, and if my feelings happen to die away before you achieve that, then so be it. But... it hurts so much. No matter what I do, it hurts, and no matter what I do, I will never be yours.

Advice

I once gave advice to a friend saying that you should never force yourself to like or not like someone. But is it worth it? It isn't worth the tears. I wish for you to be happy. Find someone who you can truly love and cherish, and someone who will support you all the way. Because clearly, you don't love me. I just want to love and be loved without having to worry about the future. With you, that is not possible.

Interpretations

I am angry because I've waited for so long. But that makes me selfish because you never asked for such a choice. I've dumped this burden on you. I am mad that you treat me as if I'm yours, but I am not. However, this is only my interpretation. My interpretation makes me angry, and my interpretation is selfish. I should not be interpreting it this way. You deserve to be happy. I just feel that sometimes, you should not be rewarded, as you continue to harm yourself. But that is just me.

Spirals

I am weak. I fear everything. I cannot bear to see you wear down your body. It may not look like it that way on the outside, but a pessimist only fears the worst. No matter how we are in the future, I wish you to be happy and well. At the rate you're going, it doesn't seem like you will be. I fear the worst. I fear that in the future, you will bring about some of my worst fears. I am weak. I am not good enough to be with you. Find someone who will love you and who will support you through hard times, because I cannot.

I cry because I know that it hurts to not be able to support you. I then cry because I feel stupid. I cry more because I feel a coward for not trying to help you. I feel stupid because I am giving up on you. It tears my heart out because I am so attached to you, yet I do want to end it, to sever the powerful bonds, before I get hurt. I am selfish.

All this crying will hurt me too one day. I deserve that. But I need someone strong to support me. Not someone who will break me more.

Standstill at Crossroads

No matter how much I try, you can never change. I understand, that is human nature. I'm sorry for trying to change who you are. I understand that stubbornness is just what really defines you. I do want to help you though. You've been through a lot, and your actions are understandable. I want to see you smile.

My friend said that she feels as if she's picking through the ashes, while I'm trying to start a fire. If that's the case, I've burnt myself badly, to the point where the pain comes back to haunt me every single night.

All I want is to be in your arms, you telling me that it's all going to be OK. But, seeing you would cause the pain to grow deeper. You fill the gap in my heart and at the same time, rip open a deep gash.

But then again, it's my fault that you're so deeply embedded in me, that every time we shift, it hurts. Perhaps I should just end it all, because I am not yours, nor will I feel that I ever will be, because I, and I'm not the only one, think that I have been waiting for quite a while. However, it is not your fault. It is mine, for placing the burden of answering me on you. That's alright. I know we all wish we can wait forever, but that isn't the reality. Reality doesn't allow us to.

If I were to end it, I would have to pull you out of my heart, the pain engulfing me. I don't know if the pain will surpass what I feel now, but if I do decide to, I will greatly hope that the pain won't last even remotely as long. It may be greater, but for a shorter amount of time. At least it's not a dull aching pain forever.

There's no sense in crying over stupid things every night.