Ponderings

Sigh. It's been a while since I posted here. What's there to say? Summer... you get all hyped up about it, but when it's finally here, you're stuck at home because everyone else is off in some cool exotic faraway country.

Really sad that my computer crashed recently. Well... it's been crashing for while, it just got worse the past few weeks. My dad wiped the main drive, but that didn't solve the problem, so he reset the entire computer. For some reason, my drive, which is separate from the main drive, also got wiped. I lost all my data. I don't really care for my music and videos, as that eliminated my bad habit of hoarding everything, but some things you can never get back. Chat logs. Sigh. Oh well. I managed to get most of them back. What's done is done. Currently rebuilding my library of music. I also lost some of my writing. Good thing I posted them on the Internet/already had them handwritten, but I can't seem to find two pieces that I really liked. I thought I printed them. Sigh.

Life's good? I think so.

Sometimes I feel that the emotion isn't strong enough. Alere flammam. Nourish the flame. Keep it burning. However, I sometimes wonder if it will last forever. Sometimes I get second thoughts, but another side of me feels that after such a long wait, I should stick with my final solution.

The End of the Beginning

Song: [Allister MacGillivary] | Song for Peace

We've been off to a very rocky start, being shaken so far, but I think we might be okay now. The worst of this wave is now behind us. Hopefully things can be better. I like being in your arms, watching the sun as it moves across the sky. Maybe we can do that again sometime. After crying, the two of us, I believe we can overcome the difficulties and move on. And like my friend said, if we ever meet any future obstacles, we can look back and see this obstacle that we've overcome, and we'll know that we can withstand anything.

Maybe I've been slowly walking away, but I still continued to look back. Maybe I was ready to leave; I had one foot out the door, but you managed to make me turn around and come back.

Like the names written interlaced in the gravel; Amelia, Marilyn, Emily, Shannon, 2010 BFF, we can be You + Me Forever. Not You <3 Me Forever. But I'll stand by you, and you'll stand by me, and everything will be alright.

I am happy.

Life

Song: Dido | White Flag

Life is meaningless without you. My best friend, the best friend I ever had. I don't want to stab you in the heart; I feel like the hunter from Snow White. But I feel I need to get the thorn out of my heart. Only then can I start to heal. But it seems either way, there will be pain. There will be a scar, even when things are over. You make me worry so much. Why did I wait half an hour for you, when I was tired and everyone had already left? Why?

Sun

A friend once said that you cannot see how bright a flame is if you stand near it, you can only see how bright it truly is once you stand in the darkness. He also said that you and I were like the burning sun.

Somehow, I think that he was standing too far away and seeing the remains of the already burnt out supernova.

Pride

Song: Hanako Oku | Garnet

Maybe my feelings for you were pushed to the side and eventually dried up. But perhaps I've been fighting to keep that one drop remaining. The question is whether I want to grab on to it, or to let it go.

It's so muddled now. I don't know what to feel.

Perhaps one reason I want to hold on is for my pride. My stupid, stupid pride. The fact that I wasted everything, spent hours being jealous at people who stood no chance, if I were to just let that all go, my pride would not forgive me.

Why can I tell so many people my feelings, but it is so hard to tell it to your face?

Sing

Song: Masayoshi Yamazaki | One More Time, One More Chance

I'm really impatient. I know I've been snappy with you, but you should know me by now. I'm not selfless.

I'm at crossroads, and I really don't know where to turn. I told myself that I would take whichever road that came first, but I can't seem to walk away from you. I should be facing the future, wondering what would become of me, but instead, I am constantly looking back, helping you stumble, even as you get further and further away because you do not seem to care about going forwards. What do I do?

I said to my friend that I had lost sight of my happy place long ago. The only true happiness I can remember is when we were innocent, little, and carefree. The years have flown by too fast now, or maybe it's because we've been caught up in our own whirlwind of mischief, danger, and teenageness. There are times of temporary happiness that make me smile, but once it's over, it all comes back. Like Western medicine only treats the symptoms, the temporary happiness can only last for so long. I need Eastern medicine.

She told me that when I find that happy place, to not look back.

Sigh. If I leave, will you sing one day? I don't want you to. Not this song. I can't be happy if you're not happy. But right now, I don't seem to be happy. I don't want you to regret anything. I want you to take this chance now. Realize what you have, and grab on before it flies away.

Good Grief

Although it feels like the endgame is near, I can't help but continue to have doubts. Sure, I love you. But I also feel that you will annoy the hell out of me. Some of your mannerisms and habits annoy me a lot, and I doubt you will or can change them.

But, we've come too far, and the only way to go is forward. We cannot back out now. It will either end well or not. If it doesn't we will lose each other forever. It happened to my friend, but that's a story for another time.

I don't know what to do. Gosh, I'm making a stupid big deal out of nothing. God, I hate everything.